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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24723247">Evolutionary Tales</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crisis_Project/pseuds/Crisis_Project'>Crisis_Project</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Asari - Freeform, Banter, Dialogue, Drabble Collection, Evolution, Gen, Krogans, Salarians, Turians, aliens giving each other shit, angara, how did humans survive evolution, we're all aliens here</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:42:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,969</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24723247</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crisis_Project/pseuds/Crisis_Project</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I picked up MEA and fell in love with the crew. They keep talking in my head, so now ya'll get to hear them with me. </p>
<p>Mostly just funny party banter. I don't think this will be more than a drabble collection for now, but will update the tags as necessary!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The tail bone is connected to the, weird bone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Vetra: Hey Ryder, got something for ya.</p><p>Sara (hissing): <em>N</em><em>ot out here-</em></p><p>Peebee: Ooh, whatcha got here?</p><p>Sara: Give it back!</p><p>Peebee (laughing): No way, what do you need an airline pillow - (gasp) is this because your neck is going to break too? Do we not need that intervention about your driving anymore?</p><p>Jaal: If that is so, could we all request one?</p><p>Sara: It's not-</p><p>Vetra: Yeah, that's not what it's for. Actually, she wouldn't tell me what it was for. And it doesn't have an opening to get it on your neck unless you had a head the size of a pyjak's.</p><p>Cora: Hang on, that's one of those donut pillows.</p><p>Peebee: What? Ew, is this a sex thing? Is that why there's a hole in the middle? Humans, I swear-</p><p>Sara: <em>IT IS NOT A SEX THING.</em></p><p>Cora: Don't you only need those if-</p><p>Liam (laughing): The pathfinder broke her ass!</p><p>Sara: Wait, I didn't... okay, maybe I broke it a teeny, tiny bit.</p><p>Peebee: So... it's definitely a sex thing.</p>
<hr/><p>Sara: You don't have to say 'I told you so.'</p><p>Lexi: I didn't say a thing. Not a thing about using your booster pack in 'creative' ways, or a thing about falling from great heights since it 'saves time'.</p><p>Sara:</p><p>Lexi:</p><p>Sara: Okay but you were thinking it really loud.</p>
<hr/><p>Drack: Can humans really break their asses? If I'd known earlier, I would've aimed further south on scavs.</p><p>Cora: Sure, humans have pelvic and hip bones that can break as much as anything.</p><p>Liam: Haven't seen donut pillows prescribed for pelvic breaks though. Only ever seen it used for broken tail bones.</p><p>Vetra, Peebee, Jaal, and Drack: <em>What?</em></p><p>Liam: I mean, yeah. Tail bones. I dunno what they're medically called, but all humans have them.</p><p>Vetra: Liam Kosta, you are not telling me to my face that you have a tail tucked under all that.</p><p>Liam: Wouldn't you like to know?</p><p>Vetra: Y'know what, never mind.</p><p>Cora: <em>Whoa there-</em></p><p>Peebee: Doesn't feel like it.</p><p>Jaal: Is this what 'you're shitting me' is?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So... how would you explain why you need to sit on a huge donut for weeks while your butt heals?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Getting some tail</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaal: So, how does a human break their 'tail bone'?</p><p>Gil: Well, when a man and a man love each other very much...</p><p>Peebee (over everyone else's laughter): Hold up, is that normal? You are not telling me that human dicks are krogan powered to break asses.</p><p>Drack: They fucking wish they could.</p><p>Gil: No, no. I'm just pulling your tail.</p><p>Vetra: Okay so do you, or do you not all have tails??</p><hr/><p>Liam: You're really looking for a hands-on demonstration, aren't you, Vetra? I can volun-</p><p>Vetra: And that's what the internet is for. Bye.</p><p>Liam: Wait! You'll get more accurate results if you search 'humans chasing tail' since that was part of its evolutionary use!</p><p>[Vetra leaves]</p><p>Cora: Fifty credits that your couch is 'misplaced.'</p><p>Sara: A hundred that it's spaced.</p><p>Gil: I'll take that action.</p><p>Liam: Worth it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Gil wins cuz Vetra is more wily than they give her credit for.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Turian wings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cora: SAM, could you pull up a holo of a monkey?</p><p>SAM: Affirmative. Would you prefer the fossilized records of the common ape ancestor that humans share with chimpanzees, or would it be easier to show bonobos and chimpanzees as the closest human relative?</p><p>Cora: Let's keep things simple.</p><p>Peebee: <em>Whoa.</em></p><p>Jaal: I do not... hmm. Perhaps there is a similarity.</p><p>Gil: This has always creeped me out. They're so intelligent, and downright savage.</p><p>Liam: What? They're hilarious! Just fling shit at your problems and they disappear! Two birds, one stone.</p><p>Peebee: So, nothing's changed?</p><p>Sara: Cheapshot!</p><p>Drack: Why is everything on Earth so damn hairy?</p><p>Liam: Hey, no one's making fun of your angry, scaly ass.</p><p>Drack (grunts): Not twice.</p><hr/><p>Jaal: Vetra, what animals do turians descend from?</p><p>Vetra: What brought this on?</p><p>Jaal: Cora showed me the animal humans are closest related to. You are from the same galaxy, yet turians look nothing alike to humans beyond your.... different legs.</p><p>Vetra: Hey, we're not the ones who have to keep track of more knees than we need, alright?</p><p>Liam: Gives them an unfair edge in football though.</p><p>Jaal: As you say. I was just curious about other alien evolution.</p><p>Vetra: Well, I didn't get the typical turian education so I'm probably not the best person to ask.</p><p>Gil: Hang on, there was that scientist. Scholar? That said that turians were something like the link between dinosaurs and birds?</p><p>Jaal: What is a die-no-sores? I have seen birds on Elaaden.</p><p>Sara: SAM, could you pull up a T-rex holo?</p><p>SAM: Of course.</p><p>Jaal: Ah. I... see.</p><p>Vetra: Always thought it was a load of crap.</p><p>Sara: Not to mention these things are like, five fiends stacked together.</p><p>Jaal: Truly? It must be difficult to live on Earth.</p><p>Cora: Oh, no. They lived and died millions of years ago when an asteroid hit Earth and changed the climate. We only know a little about them thanks to fossils and archaeological ventures.</p><p>Liam: The scientist dude was just spitballing that turians look like a step in the evolution that made dinosaurs into birds.</p><p>(Jaal, off to the side, mouthing 'spit...balling?')</p><p>Sara: But imagine if turians had wings.</p><p>Vetra: I can get on board with that.</p><p>Cora: The first contact war would have been so much bloodier.</p><p>Liam: Just imagine. Those poor bastards facing sentient alien dinosaur birds swooping down and pelting them with machine guns. So awesome.</p><p>Jaal: Ah, yes. Swooping. I have heard that swooping is bad.</p><hr/><p>[Machine gun fire]</p><p>(Sara, Peebee, and Liam snickering on the comm)</p><p>Sara: You getting this?</p><p>Peebee: Pshaw!</p><p>Liam: This is everything I ever wanted.</p><p>Sara: Shh, she's almost done-</p><p>Vetra: Why am I the only one dropping these assholes?!</p><p>Sara: Hmm? Uh, yeah! You two slacking?</p><p>Liam: Traitor!</p><p>[gunshots continue]</p><p>[Later, Vetra finds a pair of wings taped to the back of her armor. Surprisingly, they're still there next time they mow down the kett.]</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I couldn't resist this callback to DAO. And now I need fanart of Vetra with paper wings.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. He's got a point</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cora: Speaking of redundancies, at least the tail bone isn't as bad as the appendix.</p><p>Liam: Oh man, had to get shipped off of basic when mine nearly popped in the middle of the fire fighting exercise. Team had to drag me sixty meters out of a broken inferno cuz I was so useless.</p><p>Jaal: Does an appendix mean something different on Earth?</p><p>Sara: It's this organ... thing... in the human intestine. No one knows what it's for, and sometimes it tries to explode.</p><p>Cora: Hold on, doesn't some research show that it's part of the immune system?</p><p>Lexi: Actually, yes-</p><p>Liam: Does a piss poor job of it when it decides to nuke the host though.</p><p>Drack: I dunno if that’s pathetic or hardcore… They’re still humans, I’m sticking with pathetic.</p><p>Jaal: This does not sound evolutionarily efficient.</p><p>Sara: Trust us, no one signed up for this.</p><p>Lexi: Most humans in the Milky Way live without problems arising from the appendix their whole lives. However, when the appendix does become inflamed and potentially rupture, it can be lethal for humans. It’s why they all had to undergo an appendectomy as part of their medical clearance for the Initiative.</p><p>Cora: Yeah, and tonsillectomies. Bleeding out both ends for a week wasn’t fun.</p><p>Liam: Sucker! Had all that out by the time I signed on. Had to get my tonsils out when I was a kid.</p><p>Sara: Okay, so tonsils are these… things? Yeah, things. I’m still technically right, Lexi, don’t look at me like that. Anyway, they’re in your throat and sometimes they swell up like golf balls when you get an infection. It’s a pain in the… throat. Since, y’know, you can’t breathe when they get huge and block off your airway.</p><p>Jaal: It sounds like it is a miracle that humans survived their evolution.</p><p>Drack: You ever think that humans weren’t ever meant to be kicking around if your bodies keep trying to kill you?</p><p>Sara, Cora, Liam, and Lexi: Yeah.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A big thank you to Cake and Aya, who are part of my writing group, for inspiring this piece &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Go Team Skin!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Peebee and Liam: GO TEAM ASS!</p>
<p>Vetra: Don't ask-</p>
<p>Jaal: What is this about?</p>
<p>Cora: Ugh.</p>
<p>Peebee: It's the one juicy piece that everyone on this ship can appreciate.</p>
<p>Liam: Yeah, it really unites all the species.</p>
<p>Cora: ...So you both checked out every single person on this ship. <em>Every</em> single person?</p>
<p>Drack: Eyes up here, kids.</p>
<p>Peebee: It was in the name of <em>unity</em>. And galaxy-wide peace.</p>
<p>Vetra: You sure, though? Some species have very flat asses.</p>
<p>Kallo: Yes, sorry to burst your little horny bubble. Salarians don't really have much by the way of ass. Got plenty of cloaca though.</p>
<p>Liam: Right. You're alone in that camp.</p>
<p>Peebee: And we're alone in the jigglies camp. </p>
<p>Vetra: But aren't those for your <em>children</em>?</p>
<p>Liam: Yeah, but-</p>
<p>Kallo: How about a feature that all species here can appreciate? Like eyes, a torso, skin...?</p>
<p>Liam: Yeah, totally. Go team skin.</p>
<p>Ryder: Go team skin lust. Just... drooling all over that skin, y'know. Scaly skin, hairy skin, moist sk-</p>
<p>Vetra: <em>No</em>. Just, no.</p>
<p>Cora: Getting real serial killer vibes over here, or is that just me?</p>
<hr/>
<p>Drack: you guys horn over the weakest things. Skin? Way too soft. Can't even flick it without you guys hemorrhaging all over the place.</p>
<p>Peebee: Gonna regret this, but what gets your krogan engine firing, old man?</p>
<p>Gil: Let me guess: unadulterated bloodlust. The screams of your enemies. Brain splatter.</p>
<p>Drack: Don't get me wrong, that stuff is gold. It's also part of krogan courtship. Going head to head to see whose forehead plates last longer in a headbutting duel is straight up porn. Still, I'm a fang man myself. The PSI in every square inch of krogan jaws is just... (sighs).</p>
<p>Jaal: Hmm. Is it hard to... refrain... when someone smiles around you?</p>
<p>Drack (laughing): Haha, no. Your teeth, everyone's teeth are just flat little pebbles. Got no edge to get the blood pumping.</p>
<p>Vetra: Except turians. I get where you're coming from, old man. The line between flirting and threat displays with us can get real murky, though that's half the fun.</p>
<p>Liam: Hold up, what does that look like?</p>
<p>Gil: Yeah, flirty threat displays? You guys are already intimidating as all hell. Seven feet tall and spiky all over.</p>
<p>Vetra: Trust me, I know. Remember the courses we had to pass pre-flight? Dunno what you guys had to learn, but turians got a crash course on keeping our spikes to ourselves, no cresting, no flaring. Keep it all under wraps so no one misinterprets and war doesn't break out on the Nexus. Didn't count for shit though, in the end.</p>
<p>Drack (grunts in disgust): Waste of time.</p>
<p>Jaal: And what is cresting? And flaring?</p>
<p>Vetra: Only male turians can crest. Y'know the fringe they have on their heads? They can make 'em stand up. It's really just a whip-em-out-and-measure contest.</p>
<p>Liam: Except without pants.</p>
<p>Cora: Sounds... convenient.</p>
<p>Peebee: Is there an actual correlation though?</p>
<p>Vetra: Not in my experience.</p>
<p>Liam: So it's like humans and feet.</p>
<p>Vetra: What?</p>
<p>Liam: Yeah. 'You know what they say about big feet.' (waggle eyebrows).</p>
<p>Jaal: Ah, it is difficult to find shoes that fit properly. One often has to wait for the merchants to come back from Voeld, since the cobblers there are more skilled in creating larger shoes.</p>
<p>Liam (laughing): Hang on, that's not-</p>
<p>Jaal: And often, the leathers they use do not stretch enough-</p>
<hr/>
<p>Cora: So, Vetra. You mentioned flaring.</p>
<p>Vetra: I did.</p>
<p>Cora:</p>
<p>Ryder:</p>
<p>Jaal:</p>
<p>Gil: </p>
<p>Liam:</p>
<p>Peebee:</p>
<p>Vetra:</p>
<p>Cora: So?</p>
<p>(Vetra sighs)</p>
<p>(Vetra dips her head, glares up, flares her mandibles wide, all fangs on display, and gives a raptor shriek)</p>
<p>Gil: Yeeep. Scary motherfuckers. I say this with love.</p>
<p>Cora: And that's also... flirting?</p>
<p>Vetra: Can be. Taps into the primal instinct and all that. Probably turian-specific though.</p>
<p>Liam: Nope, I get it.</p>
<p>Ryder: Absolutely.</p>
<hr/>
<p>[Some time later]</p>
<p>Jaal: Why is everything about penises with you humans?</p>
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